Hi,
My last appointment was actually for the wrong department, I did query it but I was told it was fine. It wasn't. Waste of time, money and all the stuff that comes with getting there, emotionally I mean.
Today I finally got to see the right person in the right department.
Just thought I would share it with you. Bare with me, I am not articulate.
Got there 40 mins before I had to be, but was seen by the nurse straight away to do my bp, height/weight. Then just a 5 minute wait to see the Dr.
After saying hi and introducing themselves I was asked what my symptoms were. I just felt a wave of anxiety and replied "isn't it in my notes or in the letter that my Dr wrote to you?" The Dr said it was but they wanted to hear it from me. I started talking but had to stop a few times because of the build up of emotion. Although what I did say just didn't seem adequate to me, I was jumping from one thing to the next trying to think what will convince her that TMAU could even be a possibility for me.
I mentioned peoples reactions and how long this odour issue has affected me. The Dr wanted more detail about peoples reactions including family and what they said in particular. I said that they didn't ever say it directly to me but always in earshot and that it was sometimes in their behaviour rather than them saying something. I have dealt with this for over 30 years, there are so many moments and examples but my mind was just blank and also I didn't particularly want to give examples. I started being defensive, I didn't mean to be but I was. I was thinking if you could just somehow know for a brief moment everything I've experienced then you wouldn't ask me anything you would just get the test done. I did mention that I have had to give up a lot of stuff that I have started and that I have basically stopped starting now. I just isolate myself as much as I can.
The Dr said a few times that TMAU is very rare and I think that is what put my defences up more, the fact that she repeated this a number of times. So what if it's rare, doesn't mean I couldn't have it. When the Dr asked me what kind of smell, I said it's about three different smells. Sulphur, fecal, rubbish. The Dr said well TMAU is a very particular smell and is a fish like smell not anything else. I explained that when I say sulphur I relate sulphur to fishy. It was explained to me that sulphur is actually egg like. I explained the egg like smell is when I say rubbish which is a mixture of rubbish and egg like.
The Dr asked if I noticed any changes with regards to the food I eat. I explained that I couldn't previously smell myself. I have only been able to smell myself for about the last 7 months approx. and that I don't know - I was just feeling so tired at this point, not physically, it was easier to just say I don't know. The Dr said something about only choline affecting the TMAU and that if I didn't notice any changes... but I didn't really take in what was actually said and so can't relay that to you.
I did say I'm sorry if I seem defensive, I don't mean to be, I just find it hard, I've been through so much. The Dr said it was fine but they had to ask the questions. To be honest I don't think the Dr was being a negative way, I think that it was just to do with my state of mind.
Anyway the Dr explained to me about the urine test and asked me if I was restricting my diet. I said no and was told that's good because some people read up on it and then restrict their diet before they come for the test. I said that would defeat the object. I had actually done a choline load yesterday evening - I didn't tell the Dr that. I didn't know whether they were actually going to get me to give them a sample then or give me something to take away and bring back so I just did the choline load anyway. The Dr told me that there is only one lab in the UK that does the test (which I know but I didn't make out that I knew) and that it would probably take a couple of months to get the results. Also made a point of telling me that if the results came back positive then they would see me again but if it was negative then they wouldn't because they only deal with TMAU with regards to odour issues and I would have to see someone else specialised in that field. I have no idea what this other field would be.
I then went back to the waiting area and was given a pot by the nurse and well, normally I have no problem but I just didn't need to go. So I had about 5 cups of water and walked around for a bit and then I was able to give a sample. I gave the pot back to the nurse and then I left. I wonder when they put the acid into it? They had better do it, I was going to ask but I just wanted to get out of there. It seemed like I was there for hours. They did say to allow a couple of hours as tests may need to be done. All in all I was only there for about 45 mins in total.
I was so relieved to get out of there. I know my sample is going to be tested which is the main thing, so that is positive. I just have a lot of negative stuff going through my head. This result better come back postive because otherwise I have no idea what I am going to do. I don't want TMAU but it's the only thing that can explain everything. If I don't have it then there isn't really anywhere to go. If it is, then at least I can do the diet and antibiotics etc - it's something and I can feel like I'm moving forward. I feel like I have been at a standstill for most of my life while the world is just moving on.
Right, well, I've given myself a headache so I will leave it there.
EmptyCup