What the title says.
I've honestly come to this forum so many times over the last few years wanting to just have a talk about my feelings and the s****y things that have happened to me, but I never know where to start. Also, everybody seems to be using the forums for practical help and information. Well, from day 1 I never struggled with any of that. There seems to be such a paucity of information that it took me all of 2-3 days to get my head around all of it to the extent that I'd diagnosed myself, treated myself and told my GP how to go about putting in the referral all while taking a few days off work with a virus.
What I don't have is any kind of support for weeks like this week when everything is getting on top of me.
I'm also completely in the closet about my condition.
I don't have a massive issue with telling people what's wrong with me. Occupational health always know, all my doctors know, plus on occasion I've told the odd person in my life ... but only if they are completely separate from everybody else in my life and I feel I can keep them that way. And therein lies one of the crucial problems. I feel like I appreciate what it must've been like for gay people many decades ago, because if you 'come out' about something (be it sexuality, or, like in my case, a medical issue), you really are out. Word will get around. It's then a race to tell everybody close to you before they hear it 'through the grapevine' and you end up having the same humiliating conversation over and over and over again - and then everybody knows. Even the people you don't want to know. Which has pretty much stopped me from telling most people about TMAU. (And okay, I must have some issue talking about it, because right there I deliberately avoided the possessive pronoun. It's just TMAU, not 'my TMAU'. It's not mine, it's a disgusting thing associated with me, but it's not part of me, etc, etc.)
Anyway, I'm not sure I can even tell you why I'm depressed at the moment. It's a combination of things, not all TMAU-related. I tried different antibiotics recently and they didn't work, so that's been an exacerbating factor. I now have to wait a month before I can go on something that works, and I feel like my usually polite colleagues have finally gone the way of my many past colleagues with their dirty looks to each other in my line of sight
and rude remarks that they don't quite manage to keep out of earshot. I'm tied in to what I'm doing occupation-wise for the best part of another year, and it's starting to feel a bit samey. Oh, and I'm also in love with somebody who I just found out has a minor crush on me, but who I'm trying to keep at arm's length because I gave up on sex and intimacy years ago after all the stress it caused with my ex partner (who was perfectly happy to sleep with me night after night, but would never kiss me because he thought my mouth tasted like garlic. Which, to be fair to him, was probably a very polite version of the truth). That's awkward and stupid as hell at my age, but there we have it. Another ridiculous facet of my ridiculous life.
Another reason I've avoided posting on here with a massive moan, is that every time I come on I'm reminded of how much worse some people have it. Here I am moaning because my wonderful, polite colleagues are being slightly less wonderful and polite - even though there are people on here who struggle to leave the house or stick with any kind of job for more than a few weeks. Honestly, if I told you what I did (and believe me, I can't, it would make me instantly identifiable in a career where I have to guard my personal information at the best of times) you wouldn't believe me. What I'm doing is extremely competitive and very hard work, and I literally fought my way past hundreds of normal, healthy and very driven competitors to get here. Yet because of that - because of all that, and so much more - I *want* to stay here. I want this lonely, hard little life that I've carved out for myself, because I am tired of getting so far with things and giving up because of the stress. I feel like I deserve what I have, but I also feel like people around me deserve better than to have to put up with me all day every day. It's so hard to know where the balance is.
Anyway ... there. I finally did it and used the forum to get all of my whiny issues off my chest. Haha.
Anybody want to join me and use the forum for moaning? Or is everybody more healthy and well adjusted than me after all?
Don't feel you have to reply. I've got a busy fortnight coming up as of today, so if you do I might not get back to you right away.
Oh, and as a parting thought, don't let ANYTHING I've said get YOU down. This is how I
feel, and - bar the fact that we happen to share a medical condition - we are probably all very different from one another. So you guys go out and find the best lives for you
, and let me worry about mine. As you can see, I'm doing a lot of that right now.